Probably the biggest sticking point I see in couples' therapy is the difficulty with letting go of resentment. Resentment is absolutely toxic in a partnership. It is created so easily and can be so difficult to shift. But it is possible!
Resentment within a relationship is a feeling of hurt and anger about being treated unfairly. If we feel wronged, it is hard to let it go. What we need here is a combination of wanting to move on from it, the behaviour and feeling being acknowledged/understood/apologised for and knowing that letting go doesn’t let the other person ‘off the hook’- it releases you from the ongoing pain.
So what can you do to start letting go of all this?
1. Acknowledge it – resentment thrives in silence. If it isn’t acknowledged, it can’t be shifted. What happened/is happening that caused the hurt? How has it impacted you? Resentment often stems from unmet needs, unspoken expectations, or perceived injustices.
2. What is it you actually resent – we need to unpick what it is we actually resent and who it is we actually resent. It can be easy to resent our partners but sometimes it might really be the kids or societal pressures that we are resenting.
3. Recognise the impact - resentment doesn’t just affect your relationship, it affects your emotional, mental, and even physical well-being. Ask yourself, is holding onto this resentment helping me, or hurting me?
4. Understand without excusing - try stepping into your partner’s shoes. What might they have been experiencing that has led to their behaviour? Empathy and understanding don’t excuse hurtful behaviour, but they can help soften the resentment felt. Often, others’ actions have more to do with their own struggles than with us.
5. Voice it - sometimes, resentment lingers because we haven’t voiced how we feel in a way that is digestible for both of us. If it feels safe, have a calm and honest conversation. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming the other person. For example: “I feel overwhelmed and like all the responsibility sits with me. I feel unsupported and taken for granted. I just want us to understand how each other feel and how we can help.”
6. Start letting go - forgiveness is a process, not a switch we can just flip. It doesn’t mean forgetting or accepting ongoing harm, it means deciding to release the hold resentment has on you. Start small: imagine what life would feel like without carrying this weight. Remember, letting go is about letting go of this for YOU, not letting them off the hook.
7. Focus on you - you can’t control others’ actions or responses, but you can choose how you respond. Letting go of resentment doesn’t hang on an apology or changed behaviour, it’s a gift you give to yourself.
Letting go of resentment takes time and isn’t a linear process. You’ll make progress and then you’ll feel as if you’ve taken a step back. And do you know what? It’s hard! But the very first step is in deciding if you WANT to let go of it. It will all start from there.
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